The Great Toiletry War
by Quatregirl
Summary: The G-boys have a party and decide to toilet paper Relena's. Rated PG for bleeped saying of cuss words, drunkeness, and the throwing of Stephen King books.


The Great Toiletry War  
    "Is everyone here?" Quatre asked. The Arabian looked around at his party guests. Trowa, Catherine, Duo, Hildey, Heero, and Wu Fei were all here. Good.  
    "Before the party starts," Quatre announced. "I have a few rules."   
    "Oh great. The infamous Winner party rules." Wu Fei groaned. Quatre eyed him disapprovingly.  
    "First, no spiking the punch." Quatre announced. He didn't want a repeat of Vegas. "And Duo, I see that bottle of tequila behind your back and I hope you know that has a worm in it." Duo grimaced, opened the bottle, took the worm out, and tossed the deceased victim across the room. It made a lovely splat mark on the wall. Trowa suddenly turned green and rushed to the bathroom.  
    Later...  
    The party was going better than everyone had expected. Backstreet Boys music was blaring through the halls and down the street, the stereo being jacked up to its max volume. Duo sat in the corner dejectedly, chugging the Mexican liquor. Hildey sat beside him, urging the American to stop. Trowa and Catherine were dancing. Catherine ignored the fact that their dancing was interrupted every five minutes as Trowa made a mad dash for the bathroom. The worm splat still made him sick. Heero and Quatre stood by the punch bowl (Quatre was guarding it from Duo) engaged in conversation. Well, at least Quatre was talking and Heero was listening. Wu Fei stood in the middle of all the enjoyable chaos, watching quietly.  
    "Weakling." he smirked. "Duo's drunk after half a bottle of tequila."  
    "It's a whole d_mn GALLON bottle!!!" Hildey yelled, finally confiscating the bottle from Duo and putting it in a place where he couldn't get it again.  
"Hey guys, we're running out of snacks." Heero observed. The whole party stopped to take in this horrible news.  
"Ohhh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea???" This apparently, was Duo. No response. Duo tapped his foot. No response. When he finally realized that no one was gonna answer "Spongebob Squarepants." Duo teetered out the door after the others, who were going to the market.  
    Everyone arrived at the market unharmed, even though Heero had been driving. Quatre was hoping that no one had noticed the dozen or so red lights Heero had ignored, the dented fenders of the parked car, and that poodle he turned into road kill.  
    "At least Duo wasn't driving." Trowa commented. "This was a blessing in disguise." Everyone agreed to that.   
    They all stormed into the market, collecting every snack food you can imagine, from Doritos to Fruit Roll-ups. Duo stumbled around aimlessly. He didn't know what was going on, but there was sure a lotta food. Enough food to feed himself. Whoa. That's a whole lotta food. Duo finally swaggered down the toiletry aisle.  
    The whole lot of them emerged carrying bags and bags of junk food. Duo wasn't sure what he was carrying, but everyone must have liked it, because they were all looking at him kinda funny.  
    "Duo, what did you buy?" Catherine asked. Wu Fei seized the bag. Duo began to whimper as he dug through its contents.  
    "It's toilet paper and toothpaste." he announced. *anime fall*  
    "Duo, what the h_ll are you gonna do with sixty-eight rolls of toilet paper and twenty-four tubes of toothpaste?!?!?!?" Quatre cried, making a quick count.  
    "Toilet paper Relena's house." Heero said flatly. All eyes were on him.  
    "T-that's genius." Trowa stammered. The Gundam boys cheered.  
    "Toilet paper Relena's, toilet paper Relena's!" they chanted. All except for Wu Fei. He was staring at Heero in disbelief.   
    "Who are you and what have you done with the real Heero Yuy???" he asked. This was not the Heero he knew. The Heero he knew would NOT involve himself in such activities only WEAKLINGS would indulge in. Before Wu Fei had a chance to think this all over, though, he was pulled into the car.  
    Heero sped down the road, nearly missing a dog, ignoring stop signs ("They're invisible, Heero." was the comment Quatre made), shifting between pavement and sidewalk. The passengers hung on for dear life. The pedestrians dashed for dear life.  
    "Only three more miles." Hildey told herself as the car roared by a pedestrian, nearly missing him by inches.  
    "See, if this was Duo driving, the pedestrian would be dead, all those stop signs would be totaled, and the dog would be but a splat on the windshield." Trowa said. No one paid much attention to him. They were all too busy clinging to their seat belts as the car rolled halfway along a wall, halfway on the sidewalk.  
    Finally, the ten mile drive of doom was over. They arrived at Relena's house and they all loaded out and took out the toilet paper. Quatre grabbed a tube of toothpaste and started to climb up the side of the house.  
    "What are you doing?" Catherine asked, watching Quatre edge along the side of the second story.  
    "Dorothy's in there." Quatre whispered. "I'm gonna go in there and give her a little surprise." Quatre opened the window and crept in. There, Dorothy was asleep on the couch. He had no idea where Relena was, but he didn't care. Quatre opened the tube of toothpaste and started to squirt it all over the sleeping cockroach brow.  
    Once Quatre...and the tube of toothpaste were finished, Dorothy was thoroughly covered in Crest whitening multi-care toothpaste. Dorothy snored on. He slid down the roof and landed lightly on the ground. Duo, Heero, and Trowa were in the process of wrapping the tree outside in toilet paper.  
    Duo, who obviously didn't understand the meaning of quiet in his state, broke into song.  
    "Oops, I did it again!!! I played with your heart, got lost in the game!!! (Ooo, baby, baby) Oops, you think I'm in love, that I'm sent above!!! I'm not that innocent!!!!!!"" No one was sure what woke Dorothy and Relena, the noise or the voice, but they were up in an instant.   
    Dorothy was shocked to find herself covered in toothpaste. She opened the window and shouted, "Quatre Raberba Winner, I KNOW you're behind this!!!" At the site of the toothpasted Dorothy, everyone, even Heero, began to laugh hysterically.  
Relena hurried around the house, grabbing all the toilet paper she could find. She went to Dorothy's room and handed her a roll. Soon, toilet paper rolls were flying out the window. Hildey and Catherine dashed upstairs and joined in.  
"Take this Suicide Boy!!!!" Dorothy chucked a roll of toilet paper at Heero. It hit him square in the head.  
"Ouch! Hey, these were supposed to be snuggly soft!!" he exclaimed, picking it up and throwing it back at her.  
Wu Fei stood in the middle of the mess, unconsciously dodging flying roll of toilet paper. "Weaklings." he muttered. A roll hit him in the head. "INJUSTICE!!!!" He picked up a roll of toilet paper and chucked it at Hildey. Toilet paper flew left and right as the great toiletry war continued.   
    Quatre ducked to avoid a jet of toothpaste aimed right at him. He took some toilet paper, bunched it up, and filled it with the toothpaste that was intended for him. He threw it and it sped towards Relena who then had a share of Dorothy's pain.  
    Duo chuckled diabolically. He was now somewhat sober, so he could walk without staggering around like a fool. He crept slowly up the stairs, wielding a tube of toothpaste. He was almost to his target, Hildey, but knocked over a potted plant. She spun around, attacking Duo with a book she had in hand.   
    The book knocked Duo out cold (Hey, it was a Stephen King hardcover!!!) and Hildey took Duo as a prisoner of war.  
    Trowa agilely dodged flying rolls of toilet paper. He opened a tube of toothpaste and jumped on it, sending masses of gooey gooey minty freshness up into the window. It soared into Dorothy, who was just flaking the last of the dried toothpaste off herself.  
    "Don't EVER try that again!!!" she screamed. "Or your braided friend gets it!!!" She held a roll of toilet paper to Duo's head.  
    "Don't do anything rash, Cockroach-brow, er, Dorothy!!!" Quatre exclaimed. Dorothy screamed with rage. Duo was promptly dragged downstairs and out to the yard for his proper punishment. Catherine took a roll of toilet paper, and Relena took another. They shoved Duo against a tree and started to tie him up.  
    "That's not two-ply, is it???" the unlucky prisoner asked Relena.  
    "Sure is." Relena replied.   
    "Oh, f_ck." Duo moaned. "I'm gonna be here all night!" Catherine filled Duo's mouth with toothpaste, so for the first time in his life, the God of Death was rendered speechless.  
    After Duo had been disposed of, the toiletry war went back to the general melee. Dorothy was dragged downstairs encased in a thick layer of toothpaste. She was a prisoner of war, captured by Heero, who had decided that toothpaste belonged in a bucket, not a tube.  
    The Gundam boys laughed manically as they began to make her into a toilet paper mummy. Relena, Hildey, and Catherine could do nothing. Heero had Relena at gunpoint.  
    "I'M GONNA KILL YOU ALL!!!" Dorothy raved. "ALL YOU F_GG_TS!!!!"  
    "Aw, shut it." Quatre moaned. He stuffed a roll into her mouth.  
    "T-that's all you're gonna do to her, right?" Catherine stammered. Trowa shook his head. He cut Duo free with his pocket knife and they tied Dorothy to the roof of the car.  
    "Keep her at gunpoint, Heero." Wu Fei instructed. He nodded. They all loaded into the car, now with Duo behind the wheel.  
    "We're gonna be traveling on less used roads, right?" Quatre asked.   
    "Yeah." Heero replied, sticking the gun to Relena's head. "What do you think we are, idiots? If we weren't we'd be charged with hit and run." The car zoomed down the road, Duo laughing insanely behind the steering wheel. They ploughed through ditches and off roaded, even if the car WAS a Mercedes M-class. Dorothy was caught in the wake of it all. Splattered in mud and covered with dust and toilet paper, she closed her eyes and grumbled curse words.   
    The car zoomed on, taking out a few sheep and ducks in the process.  
    "Hmm." Duo muttered thoughtfully. "We could have mutton and roast duck when we get back."  
    "No, that's alright!" Wu Fei shook his head vigorously. "I think I'm allergic to mutton." The truth was, no one wanted to see Duo in the kitchen. Seeing his experience behind the wheel, Quatre's place probably would be reduced to embers in under a minute.  
The car violently lurched down a dirt path. They had arrived at their destination: the river. All the passengers got out, shaking in some way or another. Quatre untied Dorothy. The prisoner was doomed. There was no way out. The Gundam boys carried her down to the bank...and dropped her. Dorothy rolled down the river bank and landed with a splash in the river. She drifted downstream, not being able to say anything, being that a now saturated toilet paper roll was stuck in her mouth.  
Dorothy passed the bridge. "See ya later, Dorothy!!!" Quatre called, not at all depressed.   
"See ya!!!" Duo called. "Hey, can I drive on the way back?"  
"NO!!!" And so ends the story of the greatest war ever waged. THE GREAT TOILETRY WAR!!! the end  



End file.
